b is generally five years old.

My favorite feeling.

Hi, tumblr.

Winter’s halfway over, I hear. Yesssss.

I’m making a mixcd.

I have no motivation for this day.

I’m sad and tired, I’m trapped and tired. And tired.
Not even the warm weather has a say right now.

My grandpa didn’t die today.

Although, I’m pretty sure my family was sort of thinking that he was going to. I stood in the ICU and watched my mom kiss her father on his forehead and say goodbye, and that she loved him. I imagine she probably told him to please stay alive but I wasn’t close enough to hear. I felt calm most of the day and trembled like I had a problem with my nervous system.

We’re not close by any means, but God, I love my family. We were all sitting in the surgery waiting room (it was his second in about a week, another emergency surgery for rogue blood this time, that stuff) staring at the ugliest carpet, holding our breaths and an hour later we’re laughing at wife swap. How is it possible that man knows how to just remove part of the frigging body and still allow it to function? How, please? Because we got the good news that he didn’t die on the operating table, and that, you know, there’s hope still.

And mama was so scared after she signed the paper releasing him for surgery. It was a split-second decision, she thought she had maybe made the wrong one. But she absolutely didn’t.

This is all very new to me. Generally speaking, my family is in okay health. I’ve never lost a direct relative except for my first cousin on my dad’s side who died from a motorcycle accident; the only cousin on my dad’s side out of about a million I really remember ever having any history with in terms of childhood memories. That sucked hard, even though I hadn’t spoken to him in years.

I’m just shaky is all. I’m tired and just in utter awe of how strong my mom is. I know that if doctors were telling me that my papa might not live through the day, Lord, I would be a hysterical mess. But she kept it together and, as a result, kept the lot of us hopeful.

Although walking home in the rain sucked. Got a flat tire this morning on the way to work. Today, seriously, of all the days.

Anyway, nobody close to me has ever died. I don’t know what this is like, so I’m shaky and I don’t want to make a big deal out of it. Today was an epic day for me.

One day at a time, the doctor told us.